Patriarchal rant of the week.

Tim Colby
2 min readAug 24, 2021

Response to David Martin’s story here.

Or, why it’s time to cave and jump on the fanny bag utility fashion meme.

Our country has gone unisex clothing lacking all utility and functionality.

Men’s pants pockets are now for fashion only, that is, non-existent. This means most if not all standard pockets on any clothing selection male or female are the equivalent of stickers that look like pockets that may be useful to store a few thin coins. The pockets are as useful as contemporary window shutters in suburbia, non-functioning decor fixed onto cracker boxes.

When I’m out and about, especially when traveling or in the summer months without the need for jackets I now always use a fanny bag. Why they are called that I don’t know I always have mine hanging around my front. This way I can transport several items I’m not wanting to lose as they are always 2 quick zips away.

Sure, there are specialty stores for both sexes and beyond however if real clothing utility is sought the price immediately can jump to the most unreasonable amounts, and only because someone wanted a pocket that actually holds more than a penny if that. Bull! Of course, the ultimate example is cargo pants, the most misnamed piece of clothing ever. All those pockets mostly doing nothing except they look like the cargo pants of decades prior. More or most Bull yet!

Let’s identify what this really is, pockets for profit and never for utility.

Why not fanny bags? For some unknown reason, men think if they use a fanny bag then they are really sporting a stylish purse. Well, this is correct and proves true everywhere on a daily basis, fanny bags can be fashion statements, and so what? For example, when women lose items where do those items end up being after searching high and low? That’s right, in the purse. It’s time for men to wise up get a fanny bag, use it, and stop losing stuff, cause your lost items are a zippy zip away right under your noses.



Tim Colby

Grad: Whats-a-mata-U, Mayor: Foggybog, Wi., Awards: Medium response run-on-sentence-king, Medium response all-over-the-place trophy