It’s (finally) time for an alternate universe Walkerville, Wi. School District layoff lister 🎶👏👏👏🎶.

Due to contemporary issues like pandemics, budget cuts, flatlining PTA attendance, flatlining parents, fee collection failures, and a host of other problems we regret that we must terminate the continuation of all adjunct teaching staff contracts, or 96% of the instructor workforce.

1. Contractors will be replaced by iPads, at approx. 30 kids per class, it’s cheaper.
2. Class course plans will be provided by professional educators from Anystan with an H1B Visa status. “Guud moanin ghildrun”
3. 2 -15-minute recesses per 6-hour school session, outdoor exercises around the hood.
4. Special lecture series guests provided by local political appointments. {Spoiler: Lecture #1. First jobs: The Art of Kissing-up.}
5. Field trips provided by DisneyⓉ movie shortsⒸ at 1/2 price.
6. Educational course materials provided by Amazon on kindle readers for 1/2 off retail price.
7. Special language classes provided by the Apple emoji libraryⓉ, gratis.
8. Sports games and gym class instruction provided by Addictive Gaming CorpⓉ. A nominal fee or ad model choice.
9. Opt-out (small fee) or continuous class picture surveillance with yearbook selection choices available.
10. Parent — Teachers Day, eliminated.